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© Copyright Guardian Media Group plc.1998
Sunday 13 September
The jokesQ. Prosecutors in Arkansas will not use, in court, DNA samples from the dress. Why?
A. All DNA across Arkansas looks the same.
A news release from the Centre for Disease Control in Atlanta.
The President confirms that you can get sex from aides.
There's a new computer on the market. It called the Slick Willie. It has glitzy graphics, incredible sound, a six-inch hard drive, and no memory.
Q. What's the difference between the Queen of England and the President of the US?
A. You only have to go down on one knee in front of the Queen.
Q. How did Monica get those stains on her dress?
A. Bill told her not to inhale.
What did Bill Clinton say to Paula Jones?
NOW you decide to open your mouth...
Bill and Hillary are making a trip to the country side. Suddenly they run out of fuel and so they stop at a gasoline station. When Hillary sees the owner of the station she gets out of the car, runs to the man, gives him a hug and kisses him. When they continue their journey, Bill asks: "Who was that guy ?". and Hillary answers, that this was a boy she used to date while she was in high school. Bill starts to smile and says: "Well, you must be really lucky that you married me and not him, otherwise you would be now the wife of a gasoline station owner!". Suddenly, Hillary starts to smile and she replies: "No my dear, you are lucky,. If I would have married him, he would be now the president of the United States."
Q. Who was Hillary's pick to replace Monica as an intern?
A. Lorena Bobbett.
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up. When she was finished, she asked her gynaecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she was in great shape but that she was pregnant!
She told the doctor that was impossible, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant.She stormed out of the office, went to the reception and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said wanted to talk to Bill right away. They rang the Oval Office and Bill answered.
Hillary said: "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!!!"
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???"
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.
Three boys were out one morning and they saw Clinton about to be hit by a runaway car. The tackled him out of the way and saved his life. He was so grateful that he promised them anything they wanted. The first wanted a new red bike. The second wanted an assignment to The Naval Academy. When the third said he wanted to be buried in Arlington National Cementary, Clinton asked him if he were not just a little young to be thinking about dying. He replied, "No sir. When my daddy finds out that I saved your life he is gonna kill me."
Q: Why does Bill Clinton wear underpants?
A. To keep his ankles warm.
Q: What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton would like to have?
A. A dead girl friend.
Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven & the Pope gets sent to hell. The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take 24 hours to make the switch.
On the next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. The Pope says sorry about the mix up and Clinton says "no problem".
"Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven" says the Pope. 'Why's that?" asks Clinton. "All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary" says the Pope. At that Clinton replies "I'm afraid you're a day late..."
New Clinton secret identity revealed: the Unibanger.
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
President: "What is it?"
Aide: "It's this Abortion Bill, Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?"
President: "Just go ahead and pay it."
Why does President Clinton invite so many women into his private study?
He wants to show them his executive branch.
Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
He couldn't giver her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
"Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
He wants to be on top.
What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?
Missionary
Heard in the Oval office...
- Are you sure that Al Gore started this way?
- If I could convince Hillary to do that just once...
- You took the job as a White House 'in-turn' didn't you? Well, now it's your turn.
- Somehow, I don't think that Alan Greenspan would explain inflation that way.
- I've always said, "I want to be a hands-on President."
- When you said that you had your finger on the pulse of the nation, this isn't exactly what I thought you meant.
- Is this one of the Presidential duties that you said the Paula Jones trial would interfere with, Mr. President...
Top 10 perks for White House Interns
10. You get a great understanding of Domestic Affairs
9. White House Mess takes on whole new meaning
8. Pay is lousy, but hush money is generous
7. Fabulous on the job training
6. First hand knowledge of President's commitment to youth
5. More exciting than those boring Americorps sessions
4. Gives new meaning to Gen-X slogan 'Rock the Vote'
3. With Chelsea's extra wardrobe, you always have something clean to wear home
2. Learn what it feels like to hold the free world in the palm of your hand
1. Free supply of Bill's special condoms: Ridged to the 21st Century
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